My Adventures in America

Tired of losers? Try my friend's approach

I sometimes get accused of being a man basher, bitter and disillusioned.

Trust me I LOVE men. I just don’t like assh*les. And there are many many of them out there. And the more you online date the more of them you run into. Jerks, pervs and morons come out of the woodwork in droves answering my online ads. It’s hard to weed through them to find the few good guys.

But I’m nothing compared to my friend in NY, she got to her breaking point.

The following is a Craigslist personal ad that she posted recently.
When I read it, I laughed SO hard I had coffee come out my nose.
I will *** parts of some of the words to keep EnterTo from getting blocked by parental control filters.

Here it is:

I will kick the sh*t out of any guy here – 34

OK, I have absolutely f**king HAD IT with the dating scene! I have met such a pathetic parade of losers and deviants that I have finally GIVEN UP!

What I’m really looking to do at this point is the kick the sh*t out of some assh*le guys, as a small means of revenge against a world that has slapped me around and thrown me up against the wall one too many times. I am not a big girl (5’7”, 140) but I do have a pretty solid punch, so those of you who are laughing right now better shut the f**k up or I’ll slap you.

I’d be pretty much willing to meet you anywhere you want to dish out some abuse. Outside a bar, restaurant, or club, it really doesn’t matter as long as you are prepared to have your ass handed to you. If you think you can stand toe-to-toe with me then you are sorely mistaken Motherf*ker. I don’t have any formal martial arts training, but I did grow up in a neighborhood where you had to use your fists to survive, so I’m not too worried about it.

If you think you can bring it, then bring it! I can GUARANTEE you though that you’ll be picking your teeth up off the pavement. Lucky for you, one of the side dishes of this ass-kicking banquet I’m about to deliver to you includes me picking up the broken bits of your canines and molars and mailing them back to you in a convenient, self-addressed stamped envelope.

So, in conclusion, let me just reiterate that I am so angry and bitter that the next motherf**king assh*le guy who sends me a pic of his small c*ck after I’ve posted a legitimate, non-hooker type ad on Craigslist is going to get his ass CLOCKED!

That means you, Assh*le.

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Can you believe she’s still single? :)

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Corrupting a virgin

When I lay over in SF I often order-in from the same Chinese restaurant with the same hot delivery boy. This was about 5 or 6 years ago.
So I placed my order and took a shower. I really didn’t have any plans for the evening, since I had an early flight out the next day.
So I’m dressed in a towel and was drying my hair when there was a knock at the door.
I look through the peep-hole and yup, that’s my guy.
He was a MAGNIFICENT young Asian Spruce. I’ll call him Hung :)
He looked like a male model. Very shy and very hot. But since I was in SF, I had no idea if he was straight or gay.
After a couple minutes of innocent flirting on my part, I finally just asked him “Hung, what team do you play for?”
He looked at me kind of funny and asked “Ma’am?”
“I mean are you the quarterback or the receiver? And stop calling me Ma’am.”
He doesn’t understand.
“Look, do you like girls?”
“Oh, yes Ma’am. I mean yes.”
About this time, the top of my towel ‘slipped’ off.

Hotel room: $140.
Chinese take-out $20 incl tip
The look on that boy’s face? Priceless.
His jaw dropped and he sputtered something like “Abbuooh”
I had recently got new implants and since they aren’t mine, I’m not shy about showing them off.
“Haven’t you ever seen tits before?”
“Not on a girl. My friend’s father had an operation and turned into his mother. He showed me his but they weren’t like that.”
“Well, mine didn’t used to be like this. I used to have Asian tits, now I got Brazilian tits.”
Now I knew. This young Adonis was a virgin.
“Hung, how old are you?”
“19.”
Well, I wasn’t THAT much older than him and I thought what the hell.
“This is hardly fair Hung. To make this all even, you’ll have to come over after work and show me yours.”
He was blushing so hard I thought his head would pop.
He was very uncomfortable, but he was smiling a very silly grin. I could tell that his discomfort was due strictly to inexperience.
He managed a weak “OK” and then said “I got to get back to work or my Dad is going to kill me.”
I paid him for the food and he took off.
I got dressed and settled in with my food and my laptop. Before I had a Verizon card for my laptop, I only stayed at hotels that had Internet access.

Later that night there was a familiar knock at the door.
“Come on in Hung and have a drink”
He was so nervous that once in a while I noticed his hands shaking.
“Hung, have you ever made love before?”
“No”
“Are you nervous?”
“Yeah”
“Don’t worry, I’ll show you how this works.”
And then I kissed him.
When we got to the part where he dropped his pants Wow!
The stereotype of small Asian penis is complete BS. That was NO chopstick.
The next thing I know I’m teaching him about love and now I eat for free.
OK, just kidding about the eating for free.

All too soon it was time for him to go. We stood in the doorway and I kissed him goodbye. As he left, he looked at me, smiled and said:
“Best tip I ever got”

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Thinking With the Wrong Head

I forget what year this was, but I had just received my new schedule and saw that I was going to have a day and a half in Las Vegas. So I placed a few classified ads to find a date while I was there. As I recall I got about 200 responses. I did end up with a ‘hook-up’ but (and maybe it had something to do with the location) DAMN I got a ton of idiots responding. The one that sticks in my memory was this one. (& you’ll see why)
The only thing in his email was a picture and these words- “sex all day 4u300”
Now, there was not one word in my ad that even remotely suggested that I might be a hooker, and it kinda pissed me off.
He was kind of cute (for being an asshole) so I thought he might fall for this. So I wrote him back.
I am not a hooker, but I AM attracted to you.
So I told him to get a suit at the Bellagio, have some Dom on ice and when I come to the door, be butt naked. I told him I am into role-playing and I will be the naughty maid.
This set-up took 4 or 5 emails and I am condensing.
So when the time came, I called the hotel and asked to be transferred to this jerk’s room.
By God he’s actually there. I ask if he has the Dom on ice, and the strawberries and whipped cream. He says “Of course my dear. The only thing that is missing is you.”
I told him that I was on my way and would be there in about 20 minutes. And since I ‘m going to play the naughty maid, I’ll knock on the door and say “Housekeeping”.
Personally, I think a guy would have to be pretty damn stupid to answer a hotel door naked when someone knocked on the door and said “Housekeeping”. I mean REALLY.
How stupid would you have to be? But I was counting on 3 things. 1- if it didn’t work, who cares? He already bought the room and champagne. 2- I made the “date” for 10:30 at night when no one would expect housekeeping to show up, and 3- I counted on the little head to do the thinking for the big head. The blood can’t be in 2 places at once.
Of course you can see where this is headed.
I called the front desk of the Bellagio. I said that I was going to be back in my room in 10 min and could you please send housekeeping up to the room right then with some extra pillows since I intended to retire right away.
The only thing missing would to have been a fly on the wall to see the melee. But what are you going to do. Can’t have everything.
Or so I thought.
Early the next morning I was checking my emails, when lo and behold an email from the asshole:
“You think that was f*****g funny? You get me to buy a room and then set me up for embarrassment? You F*****g C**t!!! Were you hiding somewhere watching while the maid was screaming at me in Spanish!!! Did you have a good laugh? This is NOT over!
If you think…” It went on and on, but who cares.
I laughed till I cried. Then I saved the email to show my friends and deleted his email channel so he couldn’t email me again.
Lesson to guys: 1- Don’t treat a woman like a whore. 2- Don’t assume that you are “all that”. And 3- If you act like a jerk, and get treated like a jerk, don’t let us know how well the prank worked. Who knows, you might end up being the subject of a blog.
:)

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Penis Envy

As I go through all of my daily emails from guys who answer my ads looking for dates, there is one thing I have NEVER understood. Why, why, WHY would a guy think it’s a good idea to send a picture of his wee willy winky?
Does he look at his pork sword everyday and think to himself “Man, if girls could just have a peek at this beautiful example of manhood, I could have ANY woman in the world?”

I know I should just delete those emails and most of the time I do. But sometimes I can’t help myself. I know it’s just encouraging them to send more moronic emails, but it’s a disease.
But you can’t insult most of these guys. They don’t know the meaning of the word "insult" - but then again they don't know the meaning of most words.

One guy was morbidly obese. If he had been clothed I woulda taken pity on him. I wouldn’t have DATED him, but at least I wouldn’t have insulted him. I emailed back “Sorry but I would have to use a GPS tracking devise just to find your little dinky winky.
He just emailed back “LOL you’re a funny girl. Want to meet?

Now SOME guys reveal themselves to be completely unhinged lunatics when you insult them, and it starts an email war.
One guy looked like he had some kinda zombie crotch rot. Not to mention his twig was so small, I’m sure that every time he went to the bathroom, he peed on his nutsack.
I emailed back:
”So, I mean, is this it??? Sorry, but you couldn’t satisfy me, or any other woman for that matter. Better invest in a blow up doll. Or better yet, drill a hole in a Barbie doll because I don’t think they make blow up dolls that small."
His response:
“Yeah?! You think so? Well, maybe you just have a really stretched out vagina! Didja think of that? Maybe you should stop doing that trick where you stick the can of soda up there and open the flip top with your uterus muscles.”
Actually, I was impressed that he even knew a big word like uterus, let alone where it was. But not impressed enough to date an obvious freak, So I emailed back:
"I'm telling every single one of my friends that you have a three inch Mr. Floppy.
Keep f***ing whining and I won't even exaggerate that much!"
Then I just deleted his email channel so he couldn't contact me anymore.

And why do they have a pet name for it???
One guy asked me: “How would you like to meet Mr. Rooter?”
I mean what the hell? Does he have sex with his sink drain?

I swear to GOD, sometimes I think the lesbians have it right.
Sigh

Here are some of the past responses I’ve sent to these naked idiots:

"Yikes, I’d heard rumors that you were small but...DAMN!"

"Well at least there's no chance I'd gag!"

Well, at least the good news is it makes your balls look really big."

"Oh, cute. It's like a little button!"

"Do you think it'll ever get any bigger?"

“Sorry, I don’t date 5 year olds.”

"You've got to be kidding me!

”I've seen small ****s before but GODDAMN!"

"You poor thing!"

"I should hook you up with my friend Shelly. She was saying that small dicks don't bother her."

"I seriously think this is the size of a paperclip. I mean one of those little ones." I actually got a paperclip out and compared.

"Good luck ever finding someone who wants that pindick."

"I lied. It is by FAR the smallest f***ing **** I've ever seen."

Don’t worry. There have been lots of medical breakthroughs for guys with little wankers.
But in truth, you probably should get it taken care of before sending pictures of it.

Does your semen taste like chocolate, or do you shoot 100% pure liquid gold that I could sell on the market for a grand a jizz? What made you think I''d want to see it?

I bet you own a Hummer.
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Mile High Club

With my job as a flight attendant, I get asked this question a LOT. Have you joined the “Mile High Club”? Don’t be silly. Of COURSE I have. Who would pass up that opportunity if it presented itself?

My first time was the most memorable. It was with another Flight Attendant. I’ll call her Sandy.
Sandy had not only never joined the mile high club, but she had never had sex with a woman either. The whole thing started with Sandy asking me if I was a member. We were on a red eye going back home to LA. I told her no I had not, but could not wait to join the club. We talked about what kind of conditions would have to be present in order to get away with it. We soon realized that a long red-eye flight while damn near everyone was asleep was the perfect time. She lamented the fact that we did not have sexual partners with us right then. I thought about it a couple min, and made a suggestion that we could do it together. She immediately expressed shock, but I could tell that she was thinking about it. Now women are not my first choice for a sex partner. It is a once in a great while thing and usually when a boyfriend is pushing for it. But I wanted to “join the club” and was starting to get a little, well you know, horny, thinking about the possibility.

I told her it was not my first time with a woman and that I would take the lead and show her what to do. She thought about it for a couple min, slammed a couple Jack Daniels and said “Let’s go”. We knew that we couldn’t stay in the bathroom for too long cause 1) someone might wake up and need us, and 2) someone might need to use the bathroom and see us coming out together. We talked about pretending to having fixed something if #2 happened. We were only in the bathroom about 10 min but WOW! What a 10 min. I think the fear of getting caught brought a whole new dimension to it. We came out red, a little flustered but the blood was flowin through my veins like I had 4 hearts doing the pumping. We were SO relieved that we had gotten away with it and everyone who was near enough to notice was still asleep.

Well, finally we landed and we were standing near the exit giving our “Ba bye”s. Then I got a serious shock when a gentleman who was “sleeping” near the bathroom was walking out. Right before he walked out, he looked me right in the eye and said “So, how was it?” I almost swallowed my tongue. My face and my ears were burning like they were on fire. I didn’t know who he was or if I had just lost my job in the most embarrassing way possible. And then he just walked out with a sly smile on his face.

Thank GAWD I never heard another thing about it. When Sandy and I end up on the same flight, we occasionally share a look and a knowing smile and we have never talked about it again.

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My first blog entry

My name is Gabriella Ferreira but many of my friends call me Sabrina (don’t ask).

I was born and raised in Brazil. In Brazil I was a swimsuit and lingerie model.
When I was growing up, like many people in Brazil, it was always my wish to come to America and live the great American dream.

I LOVE it here in America even though I do miss my family and get lonely. I do a lot of online dating and blog about some of the more interesting dates.
I want to break into the entertainment industry and be a famous movie star and maybe as a writer as well.

My goal is to find my soul mate. To settle down with one guy, raise some kids, 2 car garage, white picket fence, the whole kit and kaboodle.
But until I find him, Oh LORDY I am having some WILD times and collecting juicy stories. I use a lot of dating sites and classified ad sites to find good guys to date.
My job as a flight attendant gives me opportunities to meet guys in a lot of different areas of the United States. As a result of all these dates, I have a lot of very interesting stories. My friends are always priming my story pump for my wild stories. They finally convinced me to share them in a blog. (Don’t worry guys, I NEVER use real names)
Because of my job, I run into famous movie directors, actors, and other famous people and get invited to a lot of parties. I take care of my loneliness by filling up my spare time with these parties and dating men I meet online.
I’m waiting to get my heart stolen.
But while I am waiting, I’m getting an education that you will never read in books.
In fact I am learning things about human nature and the nature of the male gender that I would NEVER have guessed in my wildest hypotheses.
So join me as I wade through this jungle of testosterone, famous people, Hollywood parties and looking for my one guy to give my heart to, I promise you a wild ride of entertainment blogging. Hopefully, sooner than later, this will all be over and I will be living out my REAL dream, with the man of my dreams in our home, raising our children.

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