Comedic Tourettes

Why

As I sit here in my glorious new apartment, which I love oh so much. I m not even being sarcastic which is I know hard to believe. Im thinking about moments that my ladies and I have encountered and gone through, with the world,with men, with the day-to-day nonsense that you may know as life. I just have to say it once and for all and I will not be apologizing for it EVER. You men wait,wait, you boys, you suck. Yead dude I said it, you are horrid. Just why? Why even bother to be so wretched? How dope would it be if one guy I dont care which but one stepped right up with this line: "Hi im a complete douchebag, however im exceptional in bed and that is all I have to offer. Beyond that I am emotionally unavailble and have no want,need or desire to discuss or plan a future at all." A little honesty goes a long way, and its just impossible. That guy is the keeper, that honest bastard with nothing to offer and nothing to lose. But I may be asking to much to find such a dreamboat as that in this big,big world. Until then lets keep up this inept dance we call relationships and play these horrible games which can i just say are so ****ing predictable at this point. Ugh oh well ill deal with you ****ers until Bill Murrays divorce is final, christ knows im just counting the days at this point.

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A moveable feast

Okay so I need to say this because everyday I deal with a special kind of aggravation and I must vocalize it here. I dont know how many of you reading this are of the commuting persuasion. I am. I commute to my job everyday, and I do this via mass transit. Can I say, the odors permeating from that bus are honestly some of the most awful, confusing and horrid EVER. It's not your everyday smelly person, that I could tolerate if given no other choice. It's a buffet on wheels, that's what it is. I mean it's people that stink like pumpkins over here, straight up salt and vinegar chips over there. Theres no end in sight either because either my job moves to Jersey or I hit the lottery the latter of which is more likely to happen. Which brings me to the second part of my commute, the subway. Which smells like you crawled into the mouth of a homeless person and that is now where you have to live. It doesn't even smell so much like piss as it does like hot breath. Like a giant mouth is just exhaling all hard as im trying to walk briskly through. So until the day when everyone smells pleasant and fresh this is the commuters world, notice no mention of traffic concerns or money spent commuting. They of course come second and thirdly to the array of stench I encounter daily. Which yet again shows nobody really cares as long as you smell good.

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Love that internet

Dont get me wrong I love the internet, quite obviously look at what im doing right now. But can I just tell a sad story of facebook alert gone terribly wrong. Clear your mind and picture the scene your dating some guy, and he is a douche, but your not aware of that yet because he's wearing his nice guy hat...ugh ****ers...but i digress....so you log into your facebook which by the way is to the avid facebook user what a good gram is like to a cokehead. Have you ever been a witness to this frenzy of pokes and pillow fights and ****ing people auctions...wow. Anyway the login goes smoothly your in and there busting out at you like a leg in a dark theatre aisle is the "MR. DOUCHEY MCDOUCHE IS NOW SINGLE" . No wait dont flip out yet its so much better if you ride this through with me. Picture the convenience of life we dont even need to be in verbal contact to break up anymore, We can post it up there and just hope the other person involved has a chance to log-in that day. We dont even actually need to be able to talk anymore just alert on the facebook, as long as you have hands or maybe a really long pen to poke the keys your ****ing set. Anyway the moral is this please little baby men, man the **** up. Its a networking site not a public forum for your punkassedness. By the way the woman this happened to is now happily in love with a new man...who she met on facebook.

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WELCOME TO IT

O hello im here at work thinking of all the bullshit that in itself entails the commute, the stench filled subway, the bitterness filled droves. Not that im superior to them by any account, I myself am a bag o' bitter. I try to curb my sarcasm, stifle my cynicism. There really is no point. I want to be like that guy in The Stranger who just realizes one day its all meaningless and bleak anyway and stops caring. I want to be like him at the end of the novel on the last page, when he is walking through the crowd and he wants to feel the hate. Just to be able to feel something after all that time of nothingness. Well...here we go again kids,I guess ill just get out there and try to feel the hate again.

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I SUCK AT LIFE

Really though, you know that feeling you get when you truly **** something up beyond repair and you know it. You get this internal exhale like almost an inner acceptance of our own power to really **** our lives or more to the point moments in our life up so badly that there is no coming back. There's no fixing. I can't fix this one, I cant change your mind or show you your future. I cant hold onto the hope that words might be enough, that statements of truth will be heard as such by you. Im sorry that i ****ed up and ****ed up what could have been something real.I suck at life. and im sorry.
I looked at the face you had when you realized this was what you were in, this moment and this bullshit. I wanted to put it back together but i couldnt there was no glue to hold the cracks i made together. I wanted to let myself touch you and reach for you but i held my hands down so tight I couldnt feel them when i let go and you couldnt feel my regret. I just want to be right again.I want to cry but I cant find anymore tears, i want to cry and i cant or it will never stop.

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BLA BLA BLOG

Ugh 4am dude, i keep thinking about the whole scenario of relationships and all that means. You meet someone and you are into their whole deal, you want to be around them and their wonderfulness more and more. Then here comes the commitment, but at what point are we supposed to seriously trust these ****ers. When does that moment come when your whole mind stops twirling around like a crazy top which btw are dizzier then a rollercoaster after a corndog. When does that im all set feeling come? Ever? Never? Fuck.

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EASY

Im just going to throw this out there, if your aware of it, your my hero. If your not I will soon be yours. When you go onto the domino's website and build your own succulent delight of a pizza they give the full-on play by play of whats goign on with your oncotion form start to finish. Example: Sumesh began my prepwork at 7:43, that is step 2 step 1 being my actual order placement. Sometimes I love the inane comfort that this world has to offer and while I gaze at my Domino countdown meter I cannot help but smile. There are some things you can count on.

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Boys That Rock My SOX

All my life i've had a bit of a situation with the odd crush. Meaningnot your "normal" physically fit, tanned god-like stallion of a man. I prefer the not quite ugly but not stop mid-walk through the mall hot. That being said I feel I should share some of my all time favorites with you. First on my list is a sexy bastard you will know as Vincent D'onofrio. I first discovered him at a very young age when she played Thor in a screen gem you may have heard of called Adventures in Babysitting. He has been in and out of my life since then with the random independent film and as that serial killer who lets j-lo in his brain in that other sci-fi debacle. But then came Law and Order:Criminal Intent, and all became right with me and Big Vin as I call him in my brain.

Now my next man we have been together a loooong time, his name is Christian Slater. I know what your thinking drugged out mess, right? But no-no this is the time, his career is lets just say it not doing well and now would be the time for our love to finally flourish. Just picture we are both standing at the subway platform our eyes meet, suddenly we are Clarence and Alabama(see the movie to get the namesand also to stop being an embarassment to yourself for just not knowing) and we burst through the mundane not yet begun commute towards each other, I feel this could if I play my train waiting schedule right could be a reality that does in fact come to fruition. Next up is a certain sexy coutry rockstar royalty son that is known as Shooter Jennings. He pretty much encompasses what I would like my lifemate to be long greasy haired, deeply talented, drinker, smoker, and a lover and appreciater of Italian broads like myself. I feel so safe and warm in the fact that his babys-mama is from my old hood but it didnt make her like every other italian girl walking down the street with thier yellow gold nameplate ring and bebe sweat suit. Not that im judging but come-****ing-on bitches, facts are facts. This brings me to the best who was saved for last. Here it is:BILL MURRAY. Thats right that sexy ghost busting, groundhog daying hunk of man had me from Meatballs.(If you haven't seen it rent it, you wont be sorry) I don't know what it is about Bill that just puts me right over the edge. That dry, dry humor. That unwavering deadpan face. I love him. That is all I can say.

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An Old Egg

Im excited for tomorrows festivities, why cant every day be a food-filled mess of family and laughter, blah blah blah, i just am thrilled to be off of work. I love holidays because even if you wanted to go to work(since that occurs so often) you couldn't. Theres so many things. I feel immense guilt for getting more then a little annoyed with people. Like the housekeepers at my job, I know its not their fault that they only know minimal english, but for christs sake the line they utter no matter what the situation is "could you possibly". Its okay at first but after the 30th time or so, im so ****ing over it. Or right now, right in front of me a client asks to use the phone. I oblige her, knowing what will happen next. This particular client has an issue with letting everyone know that she has a husband. Have you ever met these women like this? They are really excited to let everyone know they are married and do these borderline retarded little skits to let you know. So anyway this fool gets on the phone that she needed to use so desperately so it must be some sort of emergency. You know what she called him for? Fucking jelly beans. To tell this douchebag prize that completed her life what kind she bought. Welcome to it. This is the world, this is valid and important stuff. So there it is HAPPY EASTER!

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