Kim Hess Your Divorce Guru

Can You Spare Any Money Or A Rosary For My Divorce?

I was sitting at the bus stop waiting for public transport to take me home after getting my groceries for dinner. Since I live in San Francisco and I have a kind face, a homeless man wheeled up to me to ask for money. His wheelchair as well as his filthy three piece wool suit was decked out in colorful mardi gras beads and he had various tubes coming out of his nose… that were hooked up to nothing (it is San Francisco after all!) Anyway, he wheeled up to me and asked me if I had and money to spare. I said sorry I didn’t. He then looked at me in disbelief, looked at my two grocery bags then started to wheel himself away. He must have changed his mind, because he ever so slowly wheeled himself backwards and asked me, with an intense look in his beady, cloudy eyes…”Got any rosaries?”

Even for San Francisco I thought this was an odd request but me being me (kind face and all) politely stated that I was not in possession of any rosaries and to have a good day. Rosary guy just looked at me and asked me “How can I do that? How can I have a good day?” Man this guy is full of questions! And where is that bus? I was never going to to get rid of him! But as I have been trying to practice patience since my divorce, I pushed aside my frustration and realized my new homeless wheelchair bound friend with the rosary fetish had actually asked me a great question. One we should all ask ourselves every day. How CAN I have a good day?

I have a few hints but it’s your job to come up with the rest. Smile. Take a few deep breaths. Gaze at the clouds. Practice patience when dealing with the homeless, ex husbands and wives and slow pizza delivery guys. Be glad you can walk. And if you are in a similar situation as my newfound homeless wheelchair bound friend just be glad you are alive.

Whether you are divorced, lonely, tired, homeless or in need of money and rosaries (or all of the above!) be glad to be among the living and in control of how you live your life. That’s how you can do that. That’s how you can have a good day… and dancing around naked in the living room to Cyndi Lauper songs won’t hurt either!

When Kim isn’t dancing around naked in the privacy of her own home, she is working on Divorce Guru at www.kimhess.com.

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Divorced: The Old and the Lonely?

I was on the subway today and saw a piece of paper on the floor with the title: “The Old and the Lonely”. I’m assuming it floated out of a beat up back pack spattered with dirt stains and various alternative rock buttons (perhaps Green Day or Blink 182-are those band still cool?) pinned to its exterior. The paper was standard issue white, 3 ring binder blue lined notebook paper. The title was written in blue ink…not the confidence of an adults scrawling handwriting, but maybe of a boy, thirteen or so, who thought he’d try to get an English paper started but realized it was futile. Perhaps subconsciously understanding that no teenager knows the dreaded combination of being old and lonely.

Ah, but this writer does know that dreaded combination. I’m not old (unless you live in L.A.) At thirty four when I tell people I’m going through a divorce the first thing they say is “you’re young, you’ll find someone in no time”. Okay, that’s not the first thing. The first thing is “I’m so sorry” (in which I reply “I’m not!), or “you’re so young, how could this be happening already?” I have pondered that very question as I’m polishing off a pint of Haagen Daz Dulce de Leche ice cream.

As a woman in her thirties, I expected to be with my spouse forever. Until he died (and I could collect his insurance money!) Till death do us part. I never imagined being “old and lonely.” Heck, I never imagined being young and lonely. But this is where I am. Still young enough for a second (or third, or fourth husband!) but with a creepy dark cloud in the back of my mind that my divorce could render me getting old…and very much alone.

Have you ever had this same dark cloud? Let me be the first to tell you to get over it! Stop moping around. Put the ice cream down (okay, okay, one more bite) take a shower, go outside and see what the world has to offer. You’re not old. Even if you’re 99 years old, age is a state of mind. You are young, vibrant, and full of life. And the only way to not be lonely is to stop being alone. Call up a friend for tea. Go to a crowded movie and eat popcorn. Take a walk through your neighborhood shopping area. My point is, if you sit at home in a darkened room feeling sorry for yourself because you and the one you used to love are no longer, you will never find happiness. You will become divorced, old, and lonely. Now who wants that? Resolve to become divorced, young, and HAPPY whether you are alone or not. Some people believe divorce is a death sentence to youth and companionship. Start thinking of being divorced as the doors of freedom being flung wide open to start enjoying life! Start living!

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Why Not Mr. Red Fingernails, Why Not?

While I was taking my boys to school today on the bus, I got to thinking...why not? Why not do the things that make you happy? This advice could not be any more important than when you're going through a divorce.

I have a fellow bus passenger to thank for this revelation. Let me explain. One sees some strange things when using public transportation. People are waiting at the bus to come, nothing unusual about that. While they are waiting to board I notice a man, clean cut, late thirties. Business casual, button down shirt, khakis, short hair cut. The usual white guy you see commuting to work in the morning. So why did he stand out you ask?

Red fingernails.

This average everyday guy had on candy apple red, long, press on fingernails. Of course this being San Francisco, no one batted an eye. Not the bus driver who took Mr. Red Fingernails money. Not the 70 year old lady he sat next to. Not even my kids who have a comment about everything!

But why would they? Why would anyone care? Mr. Red Fingernails paid his fare, sat quietly and was minding his own business. He wasn't bothering anyone. So why not go to work wearing sexy brightly colored fake nails? Why not take a weekend trip to Vegas? Why not take the afternoon off and get a massage? Want to spend a whole Sunday afternoon in your pajamas eating chips and watching Twilight Zone reruns? Go for it! My point is, you're going through a hard time, whether your divorce is amicable or horrible. I'm betting if you're reading this it's horrible. So go do something good for yourself! Starting today! Me, I'm going to the drug store to buy some fake nails...thank you Mr. Red Fingernails!

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Where’s A Good Divorce Guru When You Need One?

I asked myself this question one night when I was wallowing in a sugar induced stupor of Chips Ahoy chocolate chips cookies and strawberry margaritas (I know it’s an odd combination, but when going through a divorce alcohol seems a reasonable substitution for the standard cookies and milk!) Crying for the loss of my best friend, my confidant, my soul mate made me think I would never feel better again. Would I soon become a lonely woman who unsuccessfully tries to bribe her 37 cats with bacon flavored cat treats to watch Wheel of Fortune with her? Man, a guru would come in handy right now to guide me towards the right path. What path is that, you ask? The path to actually being happy after divorce.

Well, I didn’t have the fortune to have a guru but, by golly, you do! The fact that you’re even reading this crazy post lets me know that you need someone to lead you towards that “happy after divorce” path. What is a guru exactly?

gu·ru n.

1. A personal spiritual teacher.

2. A teacher and guide in spiritual and philosophical matters.

A trusted counselor and adviser; a mentor.

3. A recognized leader in a field

An acknowledged and influential advocate, as of a movement or idea

Or my favorite:

A spiritually enlightened soul, who can dispel darkness, ignorance and illusion from the mind and enlighten the consciousness of a devotee/disciple (that’s you)

So there you have it. I am basically your “enlightened soul” who can help you fight of the darkness, ignorance, and all around yuckiness of divorce.

Yes I realize I am not your typical guru. I am not an old Indian man who sits in the lotus pose all day, having shunned all worldly goods. My name is not Rimpoche or Padmasambhava or something most westerners can’t pronounce. It’s Kim. Kim Hess. The blandest, un-guru-like name you will ever come across. But who cares, gurus help and teach and I will help and teach. I am now your personal “Divorce Guru”.

Imagine going to parties (stick with me and you will eventually start going to parties again!) and saying “My Divorce Guru believes that I can live a happier, better life after my divorce than before.” Imagine all of the oohs and admiring looks you will receive when people realize that you are cool enough to have a guru. I can see you smiling now!

So what’s stopping you? Divorce sucks, but you don’t have to. Check out www.kimhess.com to find out why this Divorce Guru is smiling…I guarantee you’ll end up smiling too!

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