Mailbag

Mailbag

I received an e-mail from Madison in Madison. “Dear Mr. Josepher, me and my roommate here at the U of W read your column every Friday. It’s like the first thing we do. You’re the best. However, I have one complaint. And my roommate has another. So I guess we have two complaints. You haven’t written an ‘Ask B, Relationship Expert’ column in a long time (that’s my roommate’s complaint, see attached for her relationship question). My complaint runs along the same lines. I love it when you answer questions from your mailbag, but you haven’t done that in a long time, either. Isn’t it time for another mailbag column?”
     Madison and Cherry (roommate’s name), you’re both absolutely right. I’ve been too busy with other writings (Iran, sex in New York, Ronald Reagan, NBA basketball); I’ve neglected other pertinent parts of the column. Forgive me.
     The good news, Madison, is that I can resolve your complaint herein (and I can address Cherry’s complaint in future writings, including her relationship question – a real doozy). In honor of Madison from Madison, here’s a general sampling from my mailbag, with my responses directly below.

1) A guy named Phil wrote, “I get most of my in-depth analysis from you (and Lou Dobbs). I really enjoyed your series on Iran. I propose a similar series on Iraq. Any chance?”

Lou Dobbs is one of my favorites too, Phil. I particularly like his nativist rants. There once was a man, by the way, who ran for president. He put together a winning coalition of nativists (known then as the Know Nothings), southern admirers of the slaveocracy, and northern Democrats fearing secession (Unionists). As president he backed a “foreigners out” platform. He also backed the Nebraska-Kansas act, which basically allowed for slavery into the territories. His name was James Buchanan and he was the last president before the Civil War. His successor, Abraham Lincoln, turned the anti-immigrant sentiment around. In fact, if not for the Irish and the Germans, the North would not have won the war. The Union army basically pulled immigrants off the boat, gave them a couple hundred dollars for “volunteering” for the army, and sent them to Fredericksburg, or Antietam, or Chancellorsville. America can thank the immigrant populations for preserving the union. Never forget that in our era of immigrant bashing. Lou clearly has.
     As for Iraq, Phil, America is filled with so-called experts, Lou Dobbs included. We see them on the television and read them online and in print publications. Ironically, of course, none of our experts on Iraq know a word of Arabic (in Iraqi dialect, let alone standard Arabic) and few could have named an Iraqi city other than Baghdad just a decade ago. Just like our president, not surprisingly.
     If America’s ever going to be a great nation again, we need Arabists.
     Phil, I digress. If you want excellent coverage on the real situation in Iraq, read the BBC online, or the German magazine Der Spiegel (which offers an English translation online). I think, for the time being, I’ll concentrate on other subjects.
     I may change my mind.

2) Since Phil mentioned my series on Iran, I’ll mention another e-mail I received on the same subject. This from Yigal in Israel. “Your writing came across as sympathetic to Ahmadinejad, Khomeini, and all of the crazies in that lunatic asylum. When Iran sends the bomb our way, what will you say then?”

Yigal, if someone writes on Iran in a less than belligerent way, is that writer an Iranian apologist? What happens if someone writes on Israel in the same manner? I don’t think rhetoric makes someone a beast. I think action makes you a beast. Rhetoric just makes you a propagandist. On that level, how much different is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad from John McCain or Ehud Olmert?
     As for Iran sending the bomb Israel’s way, I went to see the Israeli (American born) historian Michael Oren at the 92nd Street Y not long ago. According to Israeli intelligence, and as sort of a kick in the pants to our National Intelligence Estimate, he claimed that Iran’s uranium enrichment program will be nuclear capable some time in the early summer. That means now.
     Clearly, Yigal, you believe Israeli intelligence. So does George Bush. The Bush administration, in fact, is pushing for a third country to bomb Iran. If Israel bombs Iran, that only strengthens the anti-Israel cartel. If the United States bombs Iran, that only weakens America. And a weakened America becomes a more potent Iran.
     George Bush, at the tail end of his administration, has come up with a new strategy. It’s called Operation Abdullah. King Abdullah, of course, is the leader of Saudi Arabia. George Bush made a stop in Riyadh late last month. Most American pundits thought Bush went to press for increased oil production. Wrong. According to my source (who must remain anonymous, unfortunately), Bush asked Abdullah to bomb Iran. Using American-made jets, of course. And American-made bombs.

3) Continuing with Iran, I attended a meeting of the United Nations association last week. There, I met Mohammad Khazaee, the Iranian ambassador to the United Nations. Surprisingly, Ambassador Khazaee knew my name. “I found your series on Iran quite illuminating,” he said in his beautiful English. “Although I do not agree with all of your findings, I must say, your journalism offers an enlightened perspective. If you ever achieve your dream job and become the American ambassador to Iran, we would welcome you with open arms.”

“Inshallah,” I responded. Or God be willing. Actually, I probably should have said, “Or Barack be willing.” In a President Obama administration, there’s an outside chance that America reestablishes official relations with Iran. In a President McCain administration, there’s a realistic chance that America rejects President Bush’s Operation Abdullah and itself bombs Tehran and Isfahan and Shiraz into ruination, but not subjugation. For how that might turn out, see Baghdad, Iraq. And Afghanistan, outside of Kabul.

4) Paige from imnotobsessed.com wrote to me concerning her favorite topic, Jennifer Aniston (in response to my interview with J. Aniston, November 9, 2007). “What do you think of the new boy?” she wrote, with a smiley face :) after the question mark. “Personally, I’m so excited. I’ve already bought all of John Mayer’s CDs. Yeah, Jennifer! We love you, girl! We want your happiness!”

What can I say, Paige? Like you, I hope for the best. I also hope that John Mayer’s next CD isn’t a bunch of hokey love songs (unlike all of his past CDs, see “Your Body is a Wonderland”). Hasn’t America suffered through enough Aniston for awhile?

5) In response to my column on “Sex and the City” (May 23, 2008), Stephanie from Portland, OR wrote, “Sex and the City is by far the greatest television show ever made. The acting is fabulous. Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall, Cynthia Nixon and Kristin Davis are the perfect groups of girlfriends, and the show would not be the same without any one of them. I’ve been watching this show for years, and can STILL watch it over and over. I am just as addicted now as I was in the beginning! This show has it all – wit, humor, sexiness, tears… and each episode is completely relatable! You clearly don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Stephanie, thanks for writing. Let me just explain, as I did in my column on the subject. I’ve never once watched “Sex and the City.” I can’t name one character. Therefore, I turned to a detractor for a review. The detractor, nicknamed the Dementor, detracted. Your qualms are with him.
     I did take the liberty of forwarding your email on to the Dementor. He responded, “The acting is fabulous? Someone needs to inform Sarah Jessica that there is a lot more to acting than making bizarre faces, contorting your mouth into odd shapes, and trying (unsuccessfully) to raise your eyebrows. What is it about America’s love affair with shoddy actresses?”
     Good question, Dementor. To further illustrate the point, see Aniston, Jennifer.

6) In response to my story “What Are You Thinking?” (May 9, 2008), Barry in Berkeley wrote, “Is Rupert Murdoch really gay? God, wouldn’t that be great. He’s got that whole granddaddy sexuality thing down flaaaaat.” (Yes, Barry really did over vowel for emphasis.)

A little backstory. In the story “What Are You Thinking?” Rupert Murdoch makes an eye-opening statement about the sexuality of Aerosmith’s lead vocalist, Steven Tyler, on his mobile phone. Various news outlets pick up the signal and Murdoch’s sexuality becomes an international issue.
     The story is a fiction. So, Barry, I’ll let you do the math.

7) Since Barry alluded to “What Are You Thinking?,” I’ll mention another e-mail I received on the same subject. A woman named Mindy wrote, “You should take your idea directly to Murdoch. Your idea for a show is fantastic!”

Mindy, do you have Murdoch’s private line? I’d settle for his public relation person’s e-mail address.

8) Speaking of public relations people, I received an invitation from Emily Lazar. “Thinking of having you on the show. Stephen thinks you’re the next Hunter S. Thompson. Interested?”

A little background. I call my column, “The Gonzo Journalism of Brian Josepher.” Hunter Thompson, of course, invented the gonzo style. So there’s the connection to Thompson.
     Who is Emily Lazar? Stephen Colbert’s producer. Who is Stephen Colbert? If you’re asking that, you’ve been watching too much Lou Dobbs.
     Am I interested? Of course. Just please don’t ask me to shoot a gun, or ride with the Hell’s Angels, or smoke cigarettes. I’m gonzo in a whole different way.

9) And finally, I received some serious backlash from e-mail writers in Los Angeles. Here’s one from Marty in Manhattan Beach.   “In your NBA playoff preview (“Will the Spurs repeat,” March 7, 2008) you chose a Spurs-Pistons final. Looks like you were wrong, brother.”

Yes, I was wrong. The Lakers beat the Spurs and the Celtics beat the Pistons. I was doubly wrong. But let’s just understand each other, Marty. We’re not brothers. I hate the Lakers. I’m rooting for Boston. I hope Kobe trips on his politically correct verbiage and sprains an ankle.

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