The Anniversary Edition

The Anniversary Edition

One year ago, September 28, 2007, I tried something new. A type of journalism rarely seen in these parts, or this century. I named my column, “The View from the 13th Floor.” In that first column, I set my sights on George W. Bush, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Isiah Thomas and the chronicler of the 20th century, Lenny Bruce. That column created quite a rumpus on the blogosphere. I received my first fan email for journalistic pursuits: “You rock,” a guy with the username of Rocky X wrote.
     One year later, here we are celebrating an anniversary. So much has changed: “The View from the 13th Floor” morphed into “The Gonzo Journalism of Brian Josepher.” George W. Bush was then in the news everyday. Today, even during the economic crisis of the past ten days, he hides. Hillary Clinton looked like she’d be the next president of the United States. John McCain looked like he’d bow out of the Republican primary season.
     At the same time, so little has changed: One year ago, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was in New York to address the United Nations. Guess who rolled into New York this past week? John McCain, who appeared senile last year, appears just as senile this year. Or how else do you explain his red cape to rescue Washington act this week? Last year, nobody wanted to talk about the senility of John McCain, in honor of his so-called patriotism. This year nobody wants to talk about the senility of John McCain.
     But let’s not go negative. This is a celebration: the One Year Anniversary of the Column. Yeah!
     In honor of that momentous occasion, I’ve compiled an index of this last year for your reading pleasure. Enjoy. And thanks for reading along.

Number of columns written since September 28, 2007: 50.
Number of computer pages used to write those 50 columns: 456.
Number of paragraphs: 2,846.
Number of words: 109,109. I kid you not. What would the numerologists say?

Number of references to George W. Bush: 68.
Most interesting policy decision made by President Bush as uncovered in this column: Operation Abdullah. King Abdullah, of course, is the leader of Saudi Arabia. George Bush made a stop in Riyadh in late May 2008. Most American pundits thought Bush went to press for increased oil production. The American pundits, no surprise, were wrong. According to my source (who must remain anonymous, unfortunately), Bush asked Abdullah to bomb Iran. Using American-made jets, of course. And American-made bombs.

Number of references to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: 90.
Most interesting detail uncovered by this column on Ahmadinejad: The Iranian president participated in the takeover of the American embassy back in 1979. He was one of the original student-organizers. During that takeover, the American diplomats shredded as much documentation as time permitted. The Iranians, when they found the shredded documentation, brought in a large receptacle to crate out the trash. One man stopped that activity. He began to tape the strips of paper back together. He gained a nickname from that activity: Scotch. His real name was Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Number of “Ask B, Relationship Expert” columns: 4.
Favorite letter received for the “Ask B” column: “Dear B, I love your advice column. Trouble is, I now think of you all the time. What can stop this infatuation?” The letter writer signed off as “Confounded in Colorado.” I have a lot of haters in my readership. I don’t have a lot of lovers. It’s nice to hear from the lovers – occasionally, I wouldn’t want to hear from the few everyday.

Favorite emailer: Tie. Madison, in Madison, Wisconsin, and Paige from imnotobsessed.com, a fan website dedicated to the actress Jennifer Aniston.
Honorable Mention: S.
Reason why S did not make the top tier: As a relative – and in fact, my mother – she was disqualified from top tier status.
Favorite emails from Paige: “What do you think of the new boy?” she wrote, with a smiley face :) after the question mark. “Personally, I’m so excited. I’ve already bought all of John Mayer’s CDs. Yeah, Jennifer! We love you, girl! We want your happiness!”
     A few months later she wrote: “Thank God she broke up with that LOSER. I dumped all of his CDs in the trash.” The capitalization and the exclamation points belonged to Paige.

Speaking of Jennifer Aniston, number of times I heard from her publicist, Stephen Huvane: 1.
Number of times Publicist Huvane threatened to sue me: 1.
Number of time Publicist Huvane’s boyfriend, Steven Janssen, emailed me: 1.
Number of times Steven Janssen expressed his “love” for my column: 1. “I laughed and laughed and laughed,” he wrote. “Please don’t mention it to Stephen [Huvane]. He didn’t really get it.” I didn’t mention it to Stephen Huvane.

Number of “Josephus’s Jumble” columns (a wrap up of the previous month): 3.
Reason for such a small output: I forgot about the Jumble.
Favorite scene captured by the Jumble: First daughter Jenna Bush at the Annapolis Borders, in support of her book “Jenna’s Story”… Excuse me, “Ana’s Story.” The questions thrown at Jenna Bush covered a wide range of topics. What do you think of the war in Iraq, she was asked. “It’s a complicated subject,” she answered. What do you think of your father’s presidency, she was asked. “He’s doing a great job, and he’s hanging in there,” she said, as if Bush/Cheney resigning and leaving the job to Nancy Pelosi was a viable option. Can we see your wedding ring, she was asked. “Of course,” she responded, showing her hand to the crowd. “It’s a diamond surrounded by blue sapphires,” she said. The sapphires matched her eye color.
     Near the end of the question-and-answer period, a reporter in the crowd asked, “Whom do you most admire among presidential children?”
     “Chelsea Clinton,” Jenna answered, without much hesitation. “I always thought she had poise.”
     Something about that answer set off my internal skepticism mechanism. Remember, this is Jenna Bush. What does she know about Patti Reagan or Amy Carter or Patricia Nixon or Lynda Bird Johnson or Caroline Kennedy? This is the Paris Hilton of the First Daughters set.

Top five columns picked up by and published by the news service Reuters, in descending order: 5) Who Killed Benazir Bhutto, 4) “We Believe in Dick”: A History of Conventions, 1968, 3) An Interview with Bill James, America’s Foremost Iranian Expert, 2) Barack Obama and the History of Iran’s Revolutionary Guard. And Number One: A History of Playboy(s). Clearly, the skin of Playboy Magazine sells more copy than politics, history, and assassination -– combined.

Worst prognostications by this columnist, top two in descending order (because I only made two predictions the whole year): 2) Hillary Clinton would become president. In my defense I wrote that prediction in early October 2007. In early October 2007, everyone was predicting Clinton for the presidency. 1) In my NBA playoff preview I predicted the San Antonio Spurs would beat the Detroit Pistons in the final. In the semifinals, the Lakers beat the Spurs and the Celtics beat the Pistons. Neither of my teams made it to the finals. I was doubly wrong. Live and learn.

Best series covered by this column: The nine-part History of Conventions.
Second place: The five-part tragedy of American-Iranian relations.
Third place: Not applicable. There were only two series written.
Best proposed series by an emailer: A guy named Phil wrote, “I get most of my in-depth analysis from you (and Lou Dobbs). I really enjoyed your series on Iran. I propose a similar series on Iraq. Any chance?” Do you mean Lou Dobbs, the latte-drinking, arugula-eating, xenophobe elitist? Thanks, Phil. I’m flattered to be in such bigoted company.

Speaking of Lou Dobbs, worst pundits on cable, according to this column: Tie. Sean Hannity and Lou Dobbs. Two jingoists with the intellect (and some might argue, senility) of John McCain. Not a good combination to be speaking to this country.
Honorable mention in bad punditry: Chris Matthews. I live in New York, some 40 blocks from the studios of MSNBC. Even with the volume of my television turned all the way down and the windows closed, I can still hear Matthews. I speak for all New Yorkers: Shut up, Chris. You’re jacking up the traffic noise.

Best pundit: Stephen Colbert.
Best pundit to suck up to: Stephen Colbert.
Pundit who offers the best bump in popularity (or how else do you explain Mike Huckabee?): Stephen Colbert.

Some names you read in this past year that you won’t be reading in the next year (hopefully): Isiah Thomas, Rudy Giuliani, Sally Field, Katie Couric, Floyd Landis, Mitt Romney.

Favorite title given to a politician: Tie. The Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Publicity Tour and the Mitt Romney Pathological Liar Portfolio.

Speaking of the Mitt Romney Pathological Liar Portfolio: At a campaign stop in South Carolina during the Republican primary, Mitt Romney was in the midst of criticizing the Democrats in their “battle in the global war on terror. Just look at what Osama – uh – Obama said yesterday. Barack Obama calling on radicals, jihadists of all different types, to come together in Iraq. That is the battlefield. That is the central place, he said. Come join us under one banner.”
     Mitt Romney might have said “Osama – uh – Obama” but in fact he wasn’t talking about anything candidate Barack Obama had ever said. Mitt Romney was talking about the new audiotape released by Osama bin Laden, calling on insurgents in Iraq to unite.
     After the event, the Romney camp tried to backpedal. “Governor Romney misspoke,” the campaign announced. “He was referring to the recently released audiotape of Osama bin Laden and misspoke when referencing his name. It was just a brief mix-up.”
     A brief mix-up? Can’t wait until 2012 and the Republican primary campaign between Romney and Sarah Palin. Now there’s one for the pathological liars club.

Speaking of the Sarah Palin Pathological Liar Portfolio (a new document), some names you may be reading quite a lot of in the coming year in this column: Asif Ali Zardari, Tzipi Livni, Lance Armstrong, Sarah Palin.

Major sports question of 2009: How will Lance Armstrong do without all of those illegal drugs pumping through his system?

Major sports question of 2009, part II: Will Lance Armstrong continue his doping methodology and find another masking agent to keep those illegal drugs pumping through his system a so-called secret?

Major political question of 2009: Who’s going to bail out the U.S. government when the dollar becomes as worthless as the Botswana pula?

Major political question of 2009, part II: Will the tenure of John McCain, if elected president, become the shortest in presidential history? William Henry Harrison lived a month into office. John McCain doesn’t look like he’ll see February.

First question of February 1, 2009: “Good morning, Madam President, how was your first night in the White House?”

The Gonzo Journalism of Brian Josepher promises another investigatory, irreverent, though-provoking, naughty, astute, and always entertaining year of columns. Check back every Friday. There’s nothing like a good column to end the week.

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