Letters in response to my interview with J. Aniston

Letters in response to my interview with J. Aniston

My column – A Thoughtful Question and Answer with J. Aniston – appeared on this website last Friday. Saturday morning, I awoke to hundreds of emails. Most from Aniston fans. Some from foes. Some who applauded my interview. Some who criticized. As the day went along, the flow of emails only increased. Sunday was no different. Hundreds of emails. What a weekend.
     I’d planned on writing my column this week on Pervez Musharraf and Pakistan. Did Musharraf secretly plot the assassination of Benazir Bhutto last month when she returned from exile? New information suggests so. However, the extraordinary response to the Aniston interview cannot be ignored. I am therefore dedicating this column to those letters. Below is a sampling. I’ve edited some of the letters for readability. Others I’ve left in their train wreck state. I’ve also excluded the email addresses, phone numbers and mailing addresses of the authors, but just about everyone included his/her personal contact information. I found that nearly as telling as the number of submissions.

Dear Mr. Josepher,
God, you know so much about J.A. (Jennifer Aniston, obviously, although it took me a few seconds to figure it out.) I mean like you could write a book. I organize a Jen Aniston fan club here in Annapolis – the Anistons of Annapolis. I’m hoping that maybe you can come and address our group. There are like sixty of us and we’re Jen’s biggest fans. There is so much we can learn from you.
Sincerely,
Tanya H.

Thank you, Tanya H., for your invitation. I didn’t know that your group existed. Clearly, we live in Aniston’s America. Those who think this is Bush’s America don’t understand the power of your sage.

hi. i am looking for an email address to jennifer aniston. i am her biggest fan and want to email her regarding a few things so email me if you know or have anything of hers.
Thanks,
Lee

Lee, did you read the article? I do not have Jennifer Aniston’s email address. I have Jack Aniston’s email address. No relation. If you want to email him, be my guest.

Hey Brian,
Absolutely loved your article. Learned so much. Didn’t know that J.A. thought about real estate. I’M A REAL ESTATE AGENT! I have a fan website devoted to J.A. You should check it out: www.imnotobsessed.com. I think you’ll love it.
I’m Out,
Paige

Imnotobsessed.com, huh? That just speaks for itself.

I’m going to Los Angeles tonight for 6 months and will be near Jennifer Aniston’s house and her cast mates i.e. Matthew, Courtney, David and Lisa and I am her BIGGEST fan so don’t ever say you are cos your not ok and I have got everyone of there autographs cos I went on fan mail addresses and have ALL of there videos and dvd’s and there calendar and games but most of all I am her 2nd cousin and that is TRUE.

TRUE, you might want to visit Paige’s website address, or join the Anistons of Annapolis. There are remedies for what you’ve got.

Dear Brian,
I happened to be mentioned in your column, at least by association. My name is Steven Janssen and I am the boyfriend of Jennifer Aniston’s publicist, Stephen Huvane. You wrote, and I quote, “Doesn’t that strike you as odd, two men with the same name getting together?”
     No, it’s not odd. My last three boyfriends have all been named Steve, or variations of the name. Stephen, by far, is the best lover of the triumvirate. Just wanted to set the record straight.
All the best,
Steven Janssen

P.S. Okay, I admit it. I absolutely loved your column. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Please don’t mention it to Stephen. He didn’t really get it.

Steven, clearly I’m missing something. I think it’s odd to pair up with someone who shares your name. For instance, I would never date a Brianna or even a Brin. Like I wrote in my column, I just see the possibility for too much confusion.
     As for Stephen Huvane and your sexual history, thanks for setting the record straight.

Stephen Huvane’s letter was of a different temper. He wrote:

Read your column. Not quite sure what to make of it. Although I did find parts amusing I’m not sure if it’s fair or legal to pass this off as a legitimate interview. I would appreciate it if you identified the interview as fiction. Thanks.

The interview was not a fiction. I interviewed J. Aniston by email. I thought J. Aniston was indeed Jennifer Aniston. Near the end of the interview I realized my mistake. However, I did interview Jack Aniston and Jack Aniston did offer up his answers.
     On a whole different issue, I didn’t realize that celebrity publicists included the word fair in their vocabulary. Or legal, for that matter.

Jack Aniston also sent an email:

Dear Brian,
I realize that you might have some hard feelings towards me. I did not, as you might think, knowingly try to pass myself off as Jennifer Aniston. As the interview shows, I was the one who corrected the misidentification.
     I think I deserve some credit for that. I’d also like to give you some credit. Even though you felt screwed, you maintained the integrity of the interview. You did not alter my answers. You didn’t butcher my thoughts to make me into an idiot. You’re a good reporter. I appreciate the fair treatment.
     On another issue, I would also like you to know that I didn’t receive any hate mail, although at the end of your column you suggested that readers send me some. I don’t have any hard feelings regarding your suggestion. Hopefully you have it in your heart to forgive me.
Sincerely,
Jack Aniston

Jack, you and Stephen Huvane should get together and talk about fair treatment. I don’t believe a word of your letter. I think you purposefully misled me from the start.
     As for your other issue, how is it possible that Jack Aniston didn’t receive any hate mail and I’ve been bombarded by it? Here’s one of those letters, among the many:

Mr. Jackass,
Your a hater. Your a jealous hater. You’re interview was mean. You asked stupid questions. You didn’t let Jennifer finish her thoughts. You know what your? Your like the paparazzi. You write hate for money. Your not funny. Your not original. You just hate on everything and everybody. I hate you.
Sincerely,
Kim

Kim, just a couple of thoughts. Clearly you’re struggling with your/you’re. Your is a possessive adjective. As in, What is your name? Or, Your interview was mean. You’re is a contraction of you and are. As in, You’re a hater. And, You’re a jealous hater. It’s actually not complicated.
     Also, if you’re going to write a letter expressing your outrage (please note the correct usage of you’re/your), you shouldn’t sign it with the word sincerely. It makes your letter sound passive-aggressive.

Let’s move on from the hate:

Bri,
HILARIOUS!!! Real estate as a helping profession!!! Hi Steve this is Steve…!!! LA and NY and paranormal!! Haunted hotel in Portland!!! And finally JACK ANISTON—how funny, unexpected, and delightful—LOVED THIS STUFF. Actually laughed out loud.
Love you and see you soon,
S.

My mother, ladies and gentlemen.

Hey Brian,
It’s me, Paige, again. I’m the one with the fan website: www.imnotobsessed.com. I just thought you’d like to see some pictures of J.A. at Nobu. The girl really loves her sushi. How many times have we seen J.A. get photographed leaving Nobu? Here she is with David Arquette. I am assuming that C.C. (Courtney Cox) managed to slip out without the photographers nabbing her. If you want to see more photos, go to my website.
I’m Out,
Paige

Thanks for the information, Paige. I didn’t know that J.A. loved sushi. Don’t tell Tanya H. and the Anistons of Annapolis. They think I’m an expert on all things Aniston.

HELLO. MY NAME IS BILJANA. I AM FROM SERBIA. I AM 26 YEAR OLD. I AM STUDENT IN UNIVERSITY. MAYBE THIS LOOKS STRANGE BUT YOU ARE RICH. I AM POOR. YOU HAVE SO MUCH MONEY AND I WANT TO ASK YOU. DO YOU WANT TO SEND ME SOME MONEY, 100$ OR HOW MUCH YOU WANT? PLEASE ANSWER ME. DO I HOPE OR NOT?

Biljana, I am assuming that your letter is addressed to Jennifer Aniston. However, I wouldn’t put too much hope into this type of fundraising effort, if I were you.

Dear Jennifer,
If you ever read this, I am sorry for your past relationships not working and have something in common straight away! I’m a 27-year-old male wondering if there is such a thing as “love” and if there is then maybe we could go out for a meal and discuss the problems finding it and keeping hold of it. Well I do hope that some day our paths cross and I get the chance to speak with you.
Yours,
Matt

Good luck with that, Matt. You and Biljana might compare notes while you’re over there in fantasyland.

Rachel,
I hear rumors around my hometown (Bartlett, Ill) that perhaps you might be living in nearby Wayne one day soon. You will love this area. It is delightful.
Sincerely,
Gina Rusche

You do realize, Gina Rusche, that Rachel is a fictional character. Right?

Dear Brian,
It’s me, Paige. I’m the one with the fan website: www.imnotobsessed.com. FHM (For Him Magazine) released its top 100 sexiest women of 2007. Our Jennifer is ranked #36, which is 9 spots higher than she was last year. I’m really happy that she’s #36 sexiest and she’s what 38 and looks like 26. Just thought you wanted to know.
I’m Out,
Paige

Thanks, Paige, for the information. When 38 looks like 26, there are reasons. Particularly in Jennifer Aniston’s case. She’s a heavy smoker and nothing ages the skin faster than cigarettes.

I did receive one mystery letter. A postcard came through the regular mail. No name on the front. No return address. The postmark was from a Portland post office.

Dear Brian,
I read your column. I thought it was great. I would only correct one error. I never considered real estate if acting didn’t work out. I considered beauty school.
Sincerely,
J. Aniston

To Paige, TRUE, the Anistons of Annapolis and all the rest of you worshippers, just thought you might be interested. Now, to quote Paige, I’m Out.

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The Gonzo Journalism of Brian Josepher

Letters in response to my interview with J. Aniston