I could have saved my marriage

I could have saved my first marriage. If only I’d known. But I was only 16 when I met him, you see. I did not know what relationships were supposed to be like. And my father died when I was very young so I did not have a male role model. Those males are different! In my 16 year-old naivete, I thought I wanted to get married and have children. We married when I turned 20. I really thought it was for better or worse.

Our first year of marriage was not ideal. We’d never talked about separation of chores. He was expecting me to clean the toilet and my mom had always done that. I thought it would magically get cleaned. My cooking was not great, but it was okay. I was willing to experiment and he was willing to get sick every now and then. I learned. He was not sick very often.

Then we did what most couples do, we bought a house, had children and worked. He figured since he was making more money than I did and working longer hours, I should bear the brunt of the housework. I was young. I took the responsibility.

For most of our life together, I did as much as I could. I was not perfect, the house was less than spotless. Mothering was my thing. I adored my children and took good care of them. So did my husband. But our communication was terrible. I could never bring up something that bothered me without it turning into a huge fight where I invariably thought our marriage would not survive. He would always win, of course. I told him he should have been a politician. Always turning things in his favor. I just gave up, kept my mouth shut and did what I had to do to save my family.

Until I turned 40. I don't know if it was the hormones, or if it was just time, maturity, but one morning I looked at myself in the mirror and wondered if this is how I wanted to spend the rest of my life. Being unhappy, overweight, middle-aged. Hell no! I joined a fitness club, healthy eating group and started working the outside. My husband had stopped looking at me for so long now that my new thinner tighter body did not get a second glimpse.

I guess he’d given up too. When I started working on the inside, I knew this was the end of my marriage. It shocked him to find out I wanted out. He did everything he could to not let it happen, tried to be romantic for the first time in twenty years. He wanted to go to marriage counseling, it didn't work. For me, it was already too late.

Now, ten years later, I understand more. I should have insisted we sit down and discuss what we were expecting from each other before we married. And after, I should have been more mature and when discussions came up, I should have taken things into perspective and made sure we could talk calmly. I should have insisted he listen to me, take what I said seriously. Who knows what would have happened? I guess still today I'm taking responsibility...

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Life As I see it

I could have saved my marriage