Should You Forgive A Cheater?

When it comes to dating, the biggest insecurity I've dragged from relationship to relationship, is cheating. I know that it's bad form to hold past wrong doings of other people onto the shoulders of a new flame, but what can I say? I'm weak. The entire concept has escaped me, as the idea is black and white with no gray in between; break things off completely with your other half before rolling in the sheets with a new endeavor. How hard is that?! Unfortunately, there's a large scale group walking amongst us trusted devotees that are completely self involved more so with their own desires and selfishness than to care enough about anyone else in the scenario.

My friends would tell you that I'm a bit of a sexist (ok, I can't deny that man-hating part of me created from dating too many *****es in charge of the guys they were attached to). Statistics show that men stray off the beaten path more than women tend to venture, but let it be known that I do not condone the bad behavior from either sex, ***** shmenis, vagina shmagina, if they both can tramp around, they're equally at fault and disgusting. Some of my friends have come to me bearing heartache on their sleeves from a lover that did them wrong by infidelity and have wanted my advice as to whether or not to take them back. After all, they've been perfection up until that pesky detail of having sex behind their back, why not? Though very few, certain circumstances can allow a chance of forgiveness and moving past the rocky territory. I've narrowed down and stand by a simple list of things to consider when trying to come to the decision of hanging in there, or giving the boot to the jerk that did you wrong.

So where and when did the cheating occur? As humans, we tend to jump around from bed to bed until we find the right person to tie us down and make the endless search a finished success. There's always the chance that someone will slip up once, and only once. On the other hand, if you're seeing this person for a good amount of time, and you end up discovering on your own, their nastiness, or they confess because the person they're cheating with is threatening to tell you if they don't do it first, that would be a dealbreaker. A lot of folks would say once a cheater always a cheater, and in many cases, I agree. But there are a small percentage that learn their lesson the first go round, and honestly keep it in their pants afterwards to avoid screwing up their chance of proving their honesty.

If the sex takes place in a random location, or the aldulterers partners' ho-pad, that can give leniency towards forgiving the perp since it was nowhere special, and probably somewhere you wouldn't be caught dead going to (like one of the smelly stalls in a mens bathroom at a downtown quickstop). On the other hand, if your guy/girl invited them into your home and made music, I'd be burning the sheets and shutting down shop right then and there. I don't know about the rest of you, but I want to be able to look at my bed the same way I did before I left for work that morning. I want to be able to nonchalantly cut food on my countertops and not have to wonder if they maybe chose my kitchen table for round two of their f*ckfest. I'd like to watch my favorite reruns on tv without the fear of my hands meeting up with a slicked trojan in between cushions while in search of the remote that got away from me. I'm sure many would agree with me on this too. Foreign territory, maybe forgivable. Home, termination.

Who did your partner sleep with, and how many times did they do the deed? In quick summary, if your boyfriend/girlfriend sleeps with a friend, best friend, or relative of yours, they are nowhere near worthy of keeping. It's one thing when they go out and screw a random encounter, and playing on an entirely different level when they get down with someone so close to you. Don't excuse your supposed "friend" from the blame here. Most tend to look past a bloodline or years of friendship because hey, they've been around longer than their partner has. Who in their right mind would go by this logic? It takes two to commit the deed of an affair, and if family or such is willingly shacking up with someone they know you're involved with, they're just as guilty! That's one less liar to share holidays with.

With these few ideals in mind, it's wise to remember four key matters:

1) YOU'RE THE ONE WRONGED BY AN AFFAIR? YOU'RE NOT AT FAULT. A cheater will always have the choice to slip up or " just happen" to fall onto another naked body that isn't yours, they're just cowardly enough to blame anyone else for their actions, especially you! It doesn't take all but pulling you aside and letting you know if things aren't working or that something is missing in the relationship. Sure, talking and being absolutely honest with your feelings can be nerve wracking, sometimes seem even down right impossible. But you know what? That's how a healthy relationship works and lasts; voicing your concerns and wants of your partner is the only way you can be happy and avoid future bumps in the road.

2) NOT EVERYONE IS A CHEATER. Even though a lot of us tend to do it, it's not the wisest idea to hold past indiscretions from an Ex into a new relationship. You will focus way too much time and negative energy towards someone who could potentially be more than absolutely perfect for you. The constant wonder of where they're going, who they're with can drive you straight into Crazytown, population numero uno, and no one is going to hold your hand through the journey. Give them the benefit of a doubt unless hard evidence is brought to light otherwise.

3) DON'T EVER RETALIATE THE SAME AGENDA. Not only does it make you a hypocrite, it makes you just as scummy as the one doing you wrong in the first place. Unless you like feeling empty and used, I would never recommend going that route. From personal experience, I have cheated to prove a point, and the outcome was the exact opposite of what I had hoped for. Move forward from the heartache and onto greener pastures.

4) IF YOU WANT THE DOWN AND DIRTY DETAILS, BE PREPARED. Some things are truly better left unsaid. If the cheaters' partner in crime was a walking runway model poster ad who performed crazy circus sex tricks in the bedroom, do you really want to know? I for one would never want to be compared to and have to carry that burden in my mind every time we slept together. Don't ask for more than you're willing to chew on.

Let's face it, a cheater will always be just that, it's only a matter of them choosing to make the same mistake again. If you're going to make amends and ensure fidelity on both your behalves, then go with it if it makes you happy, just don't ever excuse another "accident". You might as well all be sharing the same bed if you hold that little bit of dignity to be a Doormat. Everyone deserves to be a part of a Love that is amazing, complete, AND monogamous. Let's not be greedy people..

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The Mad Cow

Should You Forgive A Cheater?