Should You Get Married?

When two people meet for drinks or such and sparks ignite, a plethera of age old circumstances unwind without fail. After months, maybe a year or so into a courtship, they're convinced it's fate and they feel the urge to commemorate the occasion by the joining of their belongings under one roof to "play house". Conversations with friends that used to headline with "I" suddenly becomes "We", vacations and long weekends as a couple takes first priority over any free time that used to be for friends and family, they are literally in Love with their Love and no one gets it because they were destined for each other! When the honeymoon dies down, the fog rolls out, and suddenly the reality of true partnership rears it's ugly head....

Mr. and Ms. Perfect are nearing their three year anniversary.   He doesn't know it yet, but she's expecting that this may be the night he confesses his undying devotion to being with her...forever. She's put in good time to their relationship, there's nowhere to go but further on now. He picked a romantic restaurant, ordered a fine bottle of merlot, and is laying down the charm like a good poker hand at a table of over confident hopefuls. While waiting on dessert, she passes to him a new watch with a loving engraved cliche that he immediately straps on. Out of his pocket he presents to her a little box in which she gasps to in shocking delight. After popping the top back, there it is.......a diamond pendant on a slim silver chain. A necklace. Don't get her wrong, it's beautiful, but her disappointment is a challenge to hide.

"You like it, don't you"?

"Of course, it's gorgeous, I guess I made the silly assumption that with a box like that, it was going to be ring".

"Oh".

"Does that freak you out"?

"No, I mean, I get it, but we've only been together a few years. We've got plenty of time to get married later on".

"Well, we've never actually talked about a time frame you know. When do you see us making that step"?.....

Crap. The old inevitable talk that is most feared by men (and yes, some women), "Where is our relationship headed"? If you've been partnered up with someone for a good amount of time, and I'm talking at least years, it is impossible to escape this bear trap. Everyone wants to be loved, adored, and wanted by their significant other. Who doesn't want to hear their partner ask them to take their hand in marriage? It's a fantasy pursued by every hopeless romantic out there, and if you're believing that the one you're with is never thinking of it, or not at all expecting it to happen, then you're a fool! At the age of 17, I let my raging hormones get the best of me, and after days of becoming an adult, I married my high school sweetheart (and we hadn't even been together a year). Many others have a story similar to mine, and have managed to make it work because BOTH knew what they wanted when they said I do and meant every last word of their vows. I managed to get through just shy of my four year anniversary when the divorce was finalized. He's a good guy, and a friend to me now, but I came to learn that two people have to want and pursue the same agenda to make it last. I have always had the habit of pushing for too much all at once, and he just didn't want to upset me by being honest with what He wanted as well. Sure, maybe we weren't the best in a pair, but there's someone out there for the both of us.

The next (if it so happens) time I walk down that aisle, it's going to be my last. Marriage is NEVER to be taken lightly, and is a union that the pair have to work at every day. If you're reading this, you might just be contemplating wedding bells with your guy and/or girl right now, maybe you're even engaged! As someone who's walked the tightrope and has had some experience in the subject, I want to offer a few things to consider before trying on a dress and playing wedding day for practice. Or if you're a male reader here, skim through what I have to say before shelling out months and months of savings for an oversized rock to weigh down her finger and be the envy of her girlfriends.

What to Do Before You Pop the Question
(this is more reared towards my male readers):

* Date each other for a while, and by that, I mean a GOOD while.

   We've heard those stories about those who meet by chance and six months later run off to a courthouse to make it official. I will say that while for some, this rapid pace has worked, for the grand majority it just doesn't. The average honeymoon period for a couple lasts anywhere from a few months to a year (usually depending on when their cute little habits become down right irritating). It's a smarter idea to enjoy the life you have together, and the one you have apart to keep your sanity and most importantly, your identity.

* Meet the Family and Friends

    You've fallen for the perfect person, you need to know the ones who've been there before you came into the picture. It doesn't mean that you need to Love any of them , but it's curtousy and just plain wise to know what you're getting yourself into because chances are, the faces you meet through her are more than likely sticking around for a while. Yes, even the Dad that thinks you're up to no good with only one thing on your mind, and the nosey sister who's persistent on getting you to set her up with one of your single buddies. There's no one single perfect family, so suck it up and take the meeting.

* Deal with any underlying Baggage


As a firm believer of moving forward, one cannot do so if their past is still tucked away in a shoebox collecting dust under the bed. You can have memories of the past loves you've had, a little trinket here and there, but what about communication? Did things end well between you, is there any unfinished business that needs resolving? If you're a bit unsure of my asking this, look at it this way; if you are in a down and out point with your partner and one of the first things you do is mentally compare to how you and your Ex were better at making up (or that and other traits they have that you find yourself aweing over time and again), it's not the time to get engaged. Your partner should be your complete focus by the time marriage talk surfaces, and anyone in your past should be last years news. No one is saying to forget, but if there's even a pinch of fondness left, or a smidge of your heart that still beats to the sound of their name that goes beyond friendship, do not propose to the person you're now seeing until you fix your desires.

* Talk to those who are or have been Married

    If anyone is going to be truly honest about what a committment it really is, it's those who've been in the game, or are still ongoing players. Sure, they'll want to tell you all the good stuff and sugar coat the prize so you'll join the team, but if you genuinly seek their honesty about the ups AND downs, they'll give it to you. If taking the time to familiarize yourself with how the married life can actually be and it doesn't put you in a panic mode, then by all means make it happen.

What to Do Before you Get Married:

* We're in the Money!

    Discuss what your take is on finances with your fiance. Are you combining incomes or keeping separate accounts? It isn't shocking that money is the top root of all evil when it comes to a married couple ending in divorce. If you don't have a plan of attack, or if you know one of you has too big of a bad spending habit (maybe they're even in looming debt), step away from the altar!

* Biological clocks go 'tick'!

    Isn't it fun when you've been together long enough to start talking babies?! You find out they want two and you're thinking three, but you're sure you can meet in the middle down the road? Numbers of heads is one thing, knowing when they're coming out is another. Most pregnancies showcase like a surprise birthday party, but it's best when you can plan a family life ahead of time. If you see yourself with an abundance of little ones, and your fiance is not really feeling the idea of parenthood so much, or even at all, you better find out now to avoid future anguish.

* Give it to Me Baby!

    Do the both of you have similar libidos? Or are you a frisky rabbit while they're more like a reluctant cat near running water and you're crossing fingers that a big wedding will make them come around? Sex can detiriorate over time whether you're mr. and mrs. or not, but don't expect a big ceremony to make everything go your way. If you can't even talk about your sex life together in a mature, open, and honest manner, you're looking doom right in the face. Be physically in sync with each other or one of you is going to end up highly resenting the other.

* Your Mom is so annoying!...

    In Laws can defintiely add fuel to the fire if you allow it to. When you took the time to meet each others family before the engagement, you're now at the crossroads to decide what will happen for family vacations, holidays, etc that will suit the both of you. Discuss the time you desire to be around each others' in laws and stick with it! Bending a little every now and then won't kill you either...

* Can you take the garbage out?

    Are you old school when it comes to domesticated responsibilities, or are you comfortable with evenly distributing the chores in a household together? If you don't want to be surprised by the slob your other half can be and that they plan on leaving you with all the dirty work, then make sure this is on your topics to discuss list. A marriage is, and always will be a 50/50 effort, washing dishes and folding laundry is no exception.

* Where does the time go?

    Work can fluctuate. Do you put your job or partner ahead of everything else? Are you going to leave all your available time to your loved one? It may seem easy, but division of time to keep a marriage running can be tricky. Learn now if your Love wants to be alongside family a great deal, or if they want to leave weekends reserved for their hobby of game play with close friends.   Living a balanced life together will prevent a build up of complaints and allow a healthy amount of time you both need together and individually.

* Another round of drinks for the house!

    Smoking is smoking (cigarettes that is), but crack is Crack. If there is an inkling that your fiance has any problem with drugs or alcohol, it is in their best interest, and the future of your relationship to get it under control through whatever means necessary ( like extensive therapy) and not start off forever with a clear head and them on a good buzz.

* Rocky! Rocky! Rocky!

    If you find that your partner is controlling the company you keep, limiting the hours you're allowed with other people while not together, taken a chance when heated once or twice to hit you, and/or has you consistently walking on eggshells, this is an utter cry for help. This is a problem that requires professional counseling immediately. Getting wed is not a fixer upper for interaction such as hostility. People can mend bad behavior, and learn to appropriately express their anger if they are pointed in the right direction, but you can't be their savior.

* Swinging isn't just for kids!

    Famous celebs like Will Smith and Jada Pinkett publicly admitted to having an open marriage and how the honesty of it has made them work. Tons of couples attend swinging parties with other husbands and wives and it more than does it for them, but the age old tradition of monogamy is still preferred over all else. Talk about your idea of fidelity before getting married to ensure that you and your mate are on the same page; defininitely do Not get hitched before this is discussed or you'll be kicking yourself later on.

* Where do you think we'll be when we're 60?

    If your fiance is shy to answer this, or refuses to talk at all, it's time to scope out where the both of you lay on the long marriage expectations bar. Why marry someone who isn't convinced that you're going to last?

Deal Breakers that won't make Marriage work (when not to get married)

*They're selfish, and sticking to it. Their way or no way at all. Period.
* You trust them, but only to an extent.
* Love at first sight
* Everyone else is getting married (pressure from friends, family, society)
* An act of rebellion because others are against it
* Pregnancy
* Getting drafted/deployed
* You feel obligated to as the next step
* Financial gain
* Rebound love
* Sexual attraction, nothing more

It's a lot to take in, I know. But ever since I rushed and failed at my own Love story, I feel obligated to make sure others are more cautious in their footsteps. In the end, the only one who knows that you're ready to take the plunge is you, but it doesn't hurt to do a little research and make a checklist of any concerns and values to share with your better half first. Marriage can be wonderfully intoxicating and the best decision for you to make, but understand that it is always going to take a lot of work AND effort as a team!

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The Mad Cow

Should You Get Married?