Funny Facebook status messages page #2

Funny status messages I've used on Facebook.

thinking it's a dog eat dog world and he's wearing bacon pants.
is seeing Chaos, Panic & Disorder. My work here is done.
just now realizing he ran out of T.P.
learning the art of driving a giant, nuclear powered duck.
the most fiendish instrument of torture ever devised to bedevil the days of man.
learning to stop worrying and love the bomb.
helping an old lady across the street who doesn't want to go.
doesn’t want to achieve immortality through his work, Dan wants to achieve it through not dying.
is childproofing his house again, because they still get in.
wants his tombstone to read "he ain't here yet".
asking those who believe in psychokinesis to raise his hand.
wondering what the word for dots looks like in braille.
being interviewed on his new novel "Sweet and Sour Pork: How Can It Be Both? At The Same Time?"
is through playing sports since he realized you can buy trophies. Now he’s good at everything.
almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left him before they met.
is contacting the Enterprise: "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
nearing the bottom of an escalator, screaming "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
waiting on election results and nervous as a pig that knows it's dinner.
calm as a Hindu cow, now that Obama is elected.
saying, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?".
saying "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
got tired of his boss saying "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" So today he came in naked.
wondering how much meat is on a gerbal and can you buy them in bulk?
thinking it's not easy cleaning burnt gerbal fur off the barbecue grill.
thinking that the toaster wasn't the best place to cook boneless gerbal.
doing National Bring Your Gerbal to work day.
lookin fer a knew spell chocker.
wondering who was the first person to think of putting lipstick on on a pitball? And why?
wondering why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
wondering who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
wondering about the speed of dark?
wondering if his new research grant will accept his thesis, "Whoops!: I Blew My $800,000 Research Grant At The Casino"
the stuff that dreams are made of
walkin here.
getting time-off for good behavior.
is thinking: "Oh no! Not another learning experience!"
brakes for... wait... AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!!
wondering where in the hell all these penguins came from.
a Dapper Dan man!
delightful, barrel-aged, full bodied, with distinct pineapple & honeysuckle aromas; good blend of wood & fruit with a hint of sweetness.
gunter glieben glauchen globen.
an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, nestled in a tortilla of mystery.
shall not be swayed by your sweet words.
writing: Anachronistic Antidisestablishmentarianism: A Case Study.
writing a book: "The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography".
Dan is writing a vegan cookbook: "101 Ways To Cook A Vegan". Mmmmm, Vegan (drool).
wondering why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
says today's subliminal message is: ( ).
wondering why he thought bull riding was a good idea. Owww.
in need of a bigger boat. Where in the HELL do all these penguins keep coming from???
says ask me about my vow of silence.

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George Told A Dirty Lie

Funny Facebook status messages page #2